Desperately in need of rationality

This is from one of my now extinct anonymous blogs. I guess no one ever read it. It never got any comments. I hated it when I published it, but now I sort of like it, so I resurrect it in this blog. It was written in 2003.

I need to write. For distraction, perhaps. So I can forget things, or, at least, not think so much about them. I need to write so I can say to someone, my reader, which may never exist, but that does not matter now, so I can tell him about my feelings, about my misdirected love, about my illusions and how I hang on to them and how they affect my soul. I need to write because I am alone in this miserable hotel and do not have anyone to talk to. I need to write because I need a friend, someone who understands my crazy thoughts, my insanity, my uniqueness or strangeness, or even my sameness.

I need to write to increase the speed of time flow, or at least, increase the perceived speed, since time may not even flow. Time has to flow fast so the day when I may have a second chance comes fast, or, at least, the day when I know I won't have the second chance. I am in the state of Schrödinger's cat, nor dead, nor alive. I can't wait until the day of judgment when my fate will be decided. But it takes too long. Time slows down and the next moment seems to never arrive. It's as if I were approaching a black hole, and time would slow down, more and more, the closer I got, and the whole existence of the Universe could happen several times and the moment of impact never come. Writing kind of gets me off the black box, for a while, and as an external observer, I can enjoy the conventional passing of time and finally see the arrival of my fate.

I feel stupid. Stupid for falling in love so easily and not being able to control it. Vulnerable and immature. I feel stupid for letting it take over me and not care about the absence of mutual interest. I feel stupid for believing in conventional patterns of behaviour and letting myself get involved; for believing in eye contact, in touches, in laughter, in romantic opinions and all this psychological crap. I was not able to resist it. Maybe I live in a city where people are less spontaneous and did not understand that people here may be naturally very, very nice without that meaning anything special. Well, not everyone. She was the only one… But maybe she is always like that and nobody really cares.

Maybe she acted like that on purpose. Maybe she knows about the feelings she provokes. She seemed special to me and her reactions made me think I could go farther. But when I tried to, she moved farther away. She fooled me. Or did I fool myself? Anyhow, now I feel stupid because I feel even more like being with her. I did not bear, or accept, the slight rejection. I keep believing she could know me better and have another opinion. Rationally, I know all that is ridiculous, but I am not a rational being. So then, when I think about all of this rationally, I feel stupid.

I will only write one page because I have to work. She inspired in me some adolescent dreams and, at this moment, I do not wish to think about them. I do not wish to feed something that will be denied to me. I will suffer more. I'm no masochist. I will not seek pain gratuitously. I wish today were Monday, but time crawls. Time is my archenemy. Oh… I wish I had her number, but I lost that opportunity. I only have her email, and I don't think she reads it on weekends. And I won't write any shit I may regret via email! I just wanted to stop with all this subjective communication, now! I want to express clear ideas so I will be able to distinguish a 'yes' from a 'no'. I hate any kind of 'perhaps', and this virtual wordless communications seems to me like a real big 'perhaps'. I just want a 'no', a real big one, now, so I can reprogram my dreams, so I can speculate on future adventures and not lose my time with this girl who makes my heart beat when she is near, and makes my chest chill when it all seems to be nothing.

(Some place, some day in April, 2003)